Sunday 2 September 2012
My battered faith meets the Bible Belt
As I continue my trek around America, I find it to be a land of friends and faith. Faith is a beautiful concept, but not always easy to process by one who's been through spiritual abuse. I blogged about that a few years ago and you can read some of the details here. If you haven't read that, please do so now. I'll wait right here.
Symptoms I’m still dealing with years later: an inability to pray sincerely or at all, including over food; a restlessness in church services, or skipping them entirely; I can't sing most songs in church because I don't mean the words or I dislike that they are not my own.
If I seem to avoid spiritual topics, prayer, etc., please understand that these areas are painful for me to this day. I am forever changed, but I am not dissatisfied.
Not that I hate God or Christians. I mean, I think I still am one, given the fairly reliable report that Jesus doesn't go away unless you tell him to. Let's remember that. What, really, does Jesus in me have to do with any visible religious behaviour? I want to BE like him, not be bound to DO the things his followers have decided are standard for the faith. Make sense?
Groping for ground zero, for a foundation on which to build, I am most comforted by friends who allow me space. Who don't ask me to pray, who don't assume I want to go to church, and if I do go, who won't look askance at me for remaining seated during the singing and scribbling wildly in a small notebook the entire time. In fact, you may have trouble getting me to stop the flow of story in order to get up and leave afterwards. To me, that is a highly spiritual experience and I know dang well where it comes from.
Don't get me wrong - I'm loving my journey here! But please, if I am going to see you soon, I would love for you to understand where I'm coming from on this. And if you forget, and ask me to pray, I'll likely decline. It's nothing personal - just where I am right now. Thank you for extending grace to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
I just read your posts on spiritual abuse. To this day, it's hard, or should I say, nearly impossible for me to worship in several settings anymore after being emotionally manipulated at youth events. I sing the words, but my mind is somewhere else. My purse is full of scraps of paper I've scribbled thoughts on during services. So if you end up in LA (not sure why, but who knows?), we can share a pew and be distracted together. :)
Grace, your faith is your own and is more authentic than that of many who acceptvtheirs as received wisdom and just do what they're told. Keep at it, my sister.
For some reason, this puts me in mind of singing together. It's not all about the churchy stuff, is it? :)
Hey, I just read your other posts. I can relate. I hope your time here is one of refreshing and full of grace.
Grace, I am so sorry :( I know where you are coming from. Twice I have almost walked away from God and the church. I have felt like I was stabbed, beaten, and left on the road to bleed to death while others walk by. My husband and I have been tossed out of 2 churches (he's a pastor, by the way) and left with nothing but our health and our children. And we did nothing wrong.
It took a year after the second time this happened to even go back to church (a different church). All I could do was sit in the back row and look around and see everyone as hypocrites. I didn't even want to be there. But we went for our children. The hardest part was walking into a store and having people ignore you or act uncomfortable. It felt like shunning (we lived in a small community).
Thank God, He has brought healing to my heart. He moved us to Kansas to an amazing church with people who are fine with our quirks and hang ups because it is a church full of broken people who want to follow God. Never thought I would be in Kansas, but here I am lol.
I'm still working on forgiving, and still feeling the repercussions of Christians who chose to hurt us. But I don't think God could have changed me any other way. Nor would I have learned to love people the way I do, if I hadn't been crushed myself.
I can't wait to meet you at ACFW and glad God brought us together!
Sorry about the comment removal, but you know me: get it right or remove it. Ha.
I was just saying that I'm thrilled you're getting so much support with this post, Grace. You deserve to be pampered and understood, though it's so very hard for anyone to really understand what PTS is all about unless they've been there.
Glad you put it up. And many hugs from me too. Feel hugged yet today? :)
Good posts, Grace. I appreciate your openness and your courage in sharing something (in the abuser posts) that obviously hurt you greatly.
From my doubtless naive (but not judgemental, so please don't take it that way) perspective it seems like you are still giving this abuser alot of power over you. I mean, now years later, look how much of your beliefs and actions are still being affected. That doesn't seem healthy to me. It seems like slavery, and I don't think that's how God wants us to live.
Forgive me if I've misread.
Glad you're enjoying your time in the US!
Not to get in the middle here, but @Kerry: with PTS, it's not the abuser who now dictates "our beliefs and actions," but the PTS itself, and it won't let go until it's ready. It's a healing process that simply takes time. It's not a, well, I want to be done with this now so I'm going to ignore or forget or forgive, type of thing. The "sufferer" would end it in a minute, if only they could.
Dear Grace;
I think your scars are lovely. I know another fellow who has a fine collection of His own. Yours look a little like His, if its any comfort.
And if I might offer some thoughts it would be these :
Who says prayer has to be words?
Or praise singing?
Or fellowship taking place in the church?
I know this above all other things;
Jesus is one of infinite tenderness and He works with much more grace and at a much slower pace then we Christians would at the same tasks.
He knows exactly how to bring healing and relief, and will not be rushed or dictated to, not by our own hearts, nor by well meaning Christians.
Your scars are lovely, Grace. The religiousness of man crucified Christ, you know, and while it could not kill Him, it did scar Him. I don't believe it killed you either, though it did mark you.
Battle scars, like His, like yours, are only marks where your enemy has tried to end you, and failed, after all.
I'll be praying you have a very refreshing time here in the States, Space Kiwi, and perhaps provoke other scarred saints to the same level of honesty you have, too.
I hear you loud and clear. God is good. Jesus abides.
You'll be fine.
If you come near Cape Cod, you can crash on the sofa.
The spiritual abuse so many of us suffer at the hands of those claiming to be our brothers/sisters in Christ is terrible. But God sometimes turns their abuse into his own refining fire and what comes through the fire is ever nearer to what he has in mind for you. From my human and flawed perspective, I weep for the loss of the music in you and the damage to your prayer life, but I rejoice for the power he's instilled your writing and your particular vision as a publisher. Doing what he's uniquely given each of us IS worship.
Battered and bloodied, dear Kiwi, but we're undefeated because of Christ.
(((HUGS)))
Post a Comment